Depression Has Set In

Wow. I haven't written in forever.

I was hoping the next entry would be great news and I would be announcing that I was finally pregnant, but no. This morning (on the day of my pregnancy blood test) I woke up to an unpleasant surprise.

I started giving myself hormone injections into my stomach a little over a month ago. This was to grow my eggs so there would be something viable to use. It wasn't very pleasant, but I kinda got used to it. It worked. I grew a great size egg and I was ready for an IUI.

We were scheduled for the Wed after Christmas and I was nervous and excited. Tuesday we get a call at 7:25am and were asked if we could come that morning instead, because my bloodwork showed I was ready then. Now I was nervous.

Cam had to do his "business" and then we headed on our hour drive to the doctor. We got to look in the microscope and see Cam's boys swimming around and then with an ultrasound wand we got to see the doctor inseminate me! It was pretty cool.

From then on Cam was convinced I was pregnant. I wasn't. I wanted to be hopeful, but I'm just so tired of getting my hopes up. And I was right to be. Weeks of thinking I was pregnant only makes the reality of it so much worse. I feel horrible. I just want to stay in bed all day and cry. I can already feel the skin around my eyes drying up from rubbing them.

I don't even know what's going to happen next because of my new work schedule and the doctor being so far away....speaking of work. That's about the only good thing going right now. I really, really like my job and I've met a lot of really nice people so far! I'm hoping it will continue to somewhat distract me from everything that's going on.

It's just so hard to stay positive about something when you've been let down over and over again. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.